ok hi everyone this is the first time i'm doing this so bear with me. I'm in a very bad situation and need advice. Unfortunately i have no one to talk to. I have bee with someone for 4 years. He's khathri and i'm jatt. The relationship is fine but now i'm starting to understand how hard things are going to be for us to get married. He lives in a dream world where everything works out but i know things won't. My parents will refuse for sure and i think it's wrong for me to build one relationship while breaking 20 other relationships that have raised me. What should I do? How do i get out of things? He loves me a lot and so do i but i know this can't happen so it's better for us to cry now then later. right?
Message for a Peter Lilliehook looking for his father last April, contact e-mail: coexistcc••aol•••••
We may be related!
Phladi,
Your story is really sad. But I think even tho you are the elder, you were wrong to even lightly slap him. No matter how the slap was, it was still a great blow to your brother's pride who no doubt thinks of himself as an adult. Both my brothers would get very violent with each other and my parents were helpless and couldn't do anything to stop them. My father was never a very involved father and was more concerned with his own life rather than with us. Talking is always the best way.
Talk to your brother and explain that you have to get along and apologize for hitting him and wounding his ego. Do you want to know how and why my brothers stopped fighting? When one of them died suddenly and now the other is consumed with guilt for not making amends.Life is so short and in the face of tragedy, nothing seems important. Please do no let this happen to you. Your mother has already lost a husband and she is probably anguished to see her sons like this. If for not yourself, please do this for her.
One mr Peter Lilliehook had posted a message, he is looking for his father Mr Harnek Monon. I know one Mr harnek Monon, same age. He lives in Glasgow UK at 10 Gannochy Avenue, Bishopbriggs, Glasgow, UK. Incase you can try and help this person find his father.
I have a serious problem and need help. Anyone willing to listen to this story would be great.
I am a 28 year old Punjabi Sikh. My father died 10 years ago. As a Sikh, we are tought to take care of our parents, especially our widowed mother.
I got married almost 2 years ago and my brother 7 months ago.
My brother and his wife don't like my wife and I don't like his wife.
She is very superficial and is trying to get us out of the house I believe.
Yes. We all live together and we try to make it work by faking it.
My brother is 25 and he has a violent short temper.
We had an argument because he was swearing at my mom. I told him to stop but he would not.
He always acts like he's dominant and owner of the house when he pays next to nothing.
I told him to stop and he dared/warned me to get away.
As an older brother, I lightly slapped him. In return, he threw a big punch to the side of my face.
Then, I was still upset and getting ready to go to work.
I was so upset that I hit a plant that flew and almost hit his wife.
He said "That's it. I'm gonna kick your ass." He charged at me again but my family stopped it.
Then he warned me he'd kick my ass later. Tell me.
Is this the way to treat your older brother? Especially as an Indian?
I don't know what to do. I don't want to live with him and I don't want to leave my mother by herself or with him.
If I leave, he wins. I want him to go if anything. What shall I do. I am lost, angry, disappointed and depressed.
Dear Brother
Sorry to hear your pain and yes you are right that you do feel bad about his aggressive behaviour.
Lets see what can be done. Frankly it DEPENDS on you a lot as you are although also very young but being elder you can create harmony.
First you understand whole scene and have compassion and respect for your parents which is very commendable and you deserve applaud.
Next after the untimely passing of your dear father the whole responsibility fell upon you even though you yourself are very young.
Now they say that after a father the eldest man in the family is really like a father figure but considering your little age difference you may not feel that way.
But reality is you have to accept that role.
First leave and abandon your idea of winning or losing. Those who win are usually like your brother who are inflexible and
take themselves very seriously.
Second you will have to change your nature and take the responsibility as a senior member of the family.
Third you need to sit and talk to your respected mother and explain her that she should BE the head of family and
for that she will have to be unbiased, sincere and loving to all.
Tell her frankly what you feel about all but dont try to influence her.
She will love you both equally.
Fourth you have to calm down, forgive your brother and treat him as a kid, even though he is an adult.
Please kindly go and tell him that you are deeply sorry for what ever happened and you love him very much
and you felt very hurt and you just felt very sad to see him so aggressive.
He will show some hardness and stiffness. Just dont expect much but that will calm him down.
Next talk to his wife and tell her that you are really sorry and it all happened by an accident and she
should forgive you. Remember that those who forgive are BIGGER and more mature.
Next you talk to your wife and explain her that she should also treat them with compasion as in this world
you only have your brother and mother. Brothers wife is like a sister so you both can treat each others wives
as sisters. Try to create harmony and love with sincerity and talking calmly with humility.
When you ask for forgiveness to all they will feel it and will appreciate your gesture.
Now gradually try building more and more harmony by sacrificing few moments by listening to your brother, mother and
your bhabi. Be an example of tolerance, love and humility. All of them will soon respect you and will love you and will
follow your example.
This will change your life forever.
Just accept their pettiness, their foolishness, their meanness as if they were kids.
Try seeing some of their good qualities and attributes.
Listen dont worry about your being elder. If you are really adult you will forget about false pride and bigness.
All this is a state of mind. Reality is love. You do love all of them inside.
But you dont like his short temper her superficiality.
Still there must be something good.
Find it.
Also give them a chance they just got married.
He may be angry cos he lost his father fairly young and lack of a father can create great angst in a youth.
Listen to him, give him your support and love and try helping him by taking him out and talking.
Try to be his friend and brother well in real i mean.
Soon he will change.
Your mother can help you both a lot by cementing with compassion. Please ask your wife's help too.
If you need to talk to me I will call you or you may call me in Calif. Write me at network at punjabi.net or just post
a message here and I will clear your doubts.
I also have a brother who is younger and he is lost in his world and although we all live in different places
he is still reticent for some past episodes and so his wife. I have tried to be as helpful as i can be and slowly
their aggression and nasty behaviour has softened but unfortunately she is NON Indian and very fanatic and almost
bi-polar but I ignore her behaviour as I just respect them despite their weaknesses.
Trust me we can help others by giving them an example and you have to be an example here.
I will be waiting for your feedback and I request you to kindly listen to my suggestions as I have seen lots of ups and downs and am certainly more experienced than you. Hence I am taking the liberty to ask you all above.
your brother
editor